If you haven't met me yet — Hi! I'm Alysa. I've been publishing the Macaroni Kid Downriver-Detroit site for about a month now and I am really loving it. I'm excited to be figuring out what our readers like hearing about most and have found a goldmine of interesting events happening in our little community.
Oh, and I'm eight-and-a-half months pregnant.
That's right! There is a fully formed baby ready to burst forth from my loins and he could be here any day now. And while I have done this whole child-rearing thing before (we also have a beautiful 3-year-old boy), caring for a newborn can still be downright terrifying.
Naturally, I've been thinking a lot about the ways my husband and I screwed things up with the first kid. And looking back, I'd say we really needed to call a mulligan on the first, I don't know, six months or so of our firstborn’s life.
Many of those days were filled with anxiety and many of those nights were spent pacing the floor in a desperate attempt to get a seriously cranky infant to finally fall asleep. I can say with confidence that I do not miss that phase.
But, this time around I will know that while those early days of a baby's life can feel never-ending, they do, in fact, bloom into something much more wonderful. The seasons change and what was once a screaming baked potato who you were sure hated your guts is now a beautiful child with a sparkling personality to match.
In an effort to do better this time around, I compiled a list of a few of the ways I screwed up as a first-time parent. I'm sure I've screwed up in countless other ways (my kid wears a winter coat in his car seat, please don't call CPS), but I think I learned the most from these particular moments.
1. Believing the social media illusion that having a newborn is a wonderful, blissed-out experience
While pregnant with my first child I assumed that every moment spent with my new baby would feel just as magical as all those newborn photos on Instagram looked.
Wrong.
In truth, I cried on the way home from the hospital and was completely overwhelmed for months to come. In the few years since my son was born, I do believe the social media narrative about parenting has shifted dramatically to reflect a more realistic version of parenthood. But, at the time I was devastated by the thought that everyone else must have been having a better time with their newborns — otherwise why would their photos look so great?
2. Giving too much credence to the opinions of others
One of the things that really tripped me up as a first-time parent was taking to heart the opinions and advice of others. And, boy, do you get an avalanche of parenting advice and a whole lotta opinions (why are people in the grocery store checkout so eager to tell you how to parent?) when you're toting around a baby carrier.
While I believe most people are well-intentioned when they're doling out advice or giving you their unsolicited opinion, it's up to us as parents to filter out about 99 percent of that noise. Just like adults, all children are different, which makes parenting each one different as well. Once I learned to do what worked for my kid and my family, I became a much more confident (and happy) mama.
3. Equating a crying baby to failing as a parent
A lot of parenting advice comes with the veiled connotation that your No. 1 job is to keep your child from crying. In reality, the only way babies can communicate with us is through their cries.
And in reality, sometimes they just cry and there is nothing we can do to stop it.
The baby crying = bad parenting paradigm perpetuates all kinds of unnecessary mommy guilt as well as the notion that being a good parent is inextricably linked to your own personal suffering.
Wrong again.
4. Comparing my child's developments to those of other children
Here’s my mom confession: I still do this. I’m working on it, OK?!
The truth is that there is no value in comparing our kids (or ourselves) to others. Most kids will reach milestones in their own time. Even if they need the help of a doctor, physical therapist, or other type of specialist, your child is just as wonderfully made.
5. Staying with a doctor I knew what a bad fit
Luckily, my child’s pediatrician is great. In fact, I love our doctor’s office and have found them to be easy-going and accommodating. One time the doctor told my husband to “chill out” after he asked the same question four different ways. It gave me extreme confidence in her ability to handle anxious new parents.
My OBGYN, on the other hand, was awful.
Much like I suffered during my first pregnancy, I think many parents stick with a doctor who is a bad fit for their family and their child. I don’t know why we do this to ourselves. But, it behooves us to find a doctor who we trust.
